1. Open Letter to the Random Cold Caller Who Keeps Bugging Me at Work

     

    Dear Random Cold Caller Who Keeps Bugging Me at Work, 

     

    While you seem to have a very pleasant phone manner and your voicemail messages are always cordial, I will never, ever, call you back.  I do apologize for my immediate dismissal, as I understand that you have a business to run, and as they say, you do whatcha gotta do.  Therefore, I would like to impart upon you several pieces of advice that may help you obtain new clients in the future: 

    Number 1: Your first name should probably not be Newt. 

    Number 2: Even if your first name does, unfortunately, happen to be Newt, you should never actually ADMIT to anyone over the phone that your first name is Newt. 

    Number 3: Under no circumstances whatsoever should you ever reveal to a potential client that the name of your company is Mosquito Interactive.  Seriously, what is that?  Who thought that was a smart, sound business decision?  And furthermore, what is a professional businessman named Newt such as yourself doing working for a company called MOSQUITO INTERACTIVE???!!!  You do realize that newts eat mosquitos, don’t you?  An endless array of merciless puns are in your future for as long as you remain with that company.  I beg you to reconsider, for the sake of your career at least, if not for the sake of my voicemail box which is quickly running out of memory space. 

    Newt, it’s nothing personal, really.  I’m sure you’re a great guy and all, but due to the reasons stated above, we simply cannot do business together.  I hope you can understand my position. 

     

    All the best, 

    A Constant Phone-Screener

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[bAckwards muSings from a sliGhtly sideWays thinKer]

This blog is a series of short thoughts and essays named after my beta fish who sometimes has digestion problems that screw up his equilibrium in the water and cause him to float sideways at the top of his bowl, making me think that he's dead. But that's not what the blurbs are about, the blurbs are funny. Or something.
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