Fish Who Float Sideways

It’s a Fish Eat Fish World…

So I know, I know, I said that this blog would actually have nothing to do with fish.  And that was mostly not a lie.  Except for today.  So I recently had a friend of mine gut a retro television set and turn it into a freshwater aquarium for me, which is insanely awesome, in my opinion.  And I did research before I got fish - I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just throwing in a bunch of fish together who hated each other and before you know it, it’s like West Side Story the Fish Musical inside the TV.  (Side note, that musical never really took off for some reason…)

So I got one cory catfish who eats the food that sinks to the bottom of the tank and helps keep it clean.  His name is Richard Cory, obviously.  Shut up, what would you have named it?  Oh sure you say now that you would never name your aquarium fish and that’s weird, but just wait until you have your own retro TV aquarium.  Until then, I’m still cooler than you. 

So in addition to Richard Cory, I decided to get a bunch of guppies - they’re small, peaceful, and don’t die easily, so if I screw up the filter setup a little, I won’t kill them.  Perfect.  I got two males first, let them settle in until the water pH or ammonia levels or something leveled out (really I just did what the pet store guy told me to).  One male was bigger than the other, and had a bright red body and tail - really cool looking.  The other male was smaller and less cool looking, and he kept following the bigger guy around, like a sidekick.  Everything was great, and it seemed like they were the best of friends.  I decided it was time to introduce the girls.  Pet Store Guy told me that the guppies like to have a higher percentage of females than males in their group, kind of like a harem setup - usually two females for every male.  Basically, they were an underwater prostitution ring.  Fine, whatever, I don’t judge.  So I get four females.  They’re all in that plastic bag from the pet store for a while, which I float at the top of the tank for a few minutes so they can get used to the temperature in the aquarium and the other fish can get used to seeing other fish there.  Immediately the sidekick male guppy was all over the bag - he looked so excited, and the females kept crowding around the one tiny bag corner trying to peck their way out, the sluts.  About 15 minutes later I let them out of the bag and watched.  It was cool at first.  The females all stuck together and hung around Sidekick Fish while Supercool Red Fish kept to himself.  He had one female that followed him around for a few days, but then she got bored and rejoined the big group at the brothel by the fake plant in the corner.  Sidekick Fish was in his glory.

I will preface this by saying that I really don’t know for sure what went down the other night.  I wasn’t there, I’m not one of those creepsters who sits staring into her television aquarium all night long.  I was sleeping.  But yesterday when I came home from work and turned on the tank light (which ps is mounted in the back of the hollowed out television set and also lights up the cool channel turning knobs in the front of the tv - so cool!).  Floating lifelessly upside down in the tendrils of the fake plant brothel was Supercool Red Fish, though that name was no longer appropriate.  His supercool red tail had been completely eaten off by the other fish, and they were periodically swimming up to the body and pecking at it.  And Richard Cory continued to eat leftovers in the gravel, completely unaware of the drama above him.  Grossest thing ever, not gonna lie.  I quickly scooped up the former Supercool Red Fish with my tiny fish net that Pet Store Guy sold to me and gave him a porcelain funeral.  Not the most dignified way to go, but I had popcorn in the microwave and was too hungry to think of anything more ceremonial.

In times like these, we naturally look for answers that will comfort us, and assure ourselves that whatever happened, it couldn’t possibly be our fault, regardless of the fact that this is our first aquarium ever and the heater we bought is too small for the tank and we don’t actually know how the filter works.  I have no doubt that this was a hate crime of some nature, that’s obvious.  I’m thinking that the other guppies were either terrorizing him for his supercool red color or the fact that he was never really interested in the females.  I now hate them all, and have to admit that I was a little disappointed when I tested the water and found all bullshit pH and ammonia levels perfectly safe and normal, because it meant that I couldn’t poison them with my neglect.  Besides, I paid like $7.99 for them - would be kind of a waste to just kill them all.  So I’ve resigned myself to being the uber-liberal girl who now lives with a television set full of racist homophobic fish, along with Richard Cory who I’m assuming will continue to eat their shit every day until he hears me playing my Simon and Garfunkel record one night and decides to off himself.  I have to go now though, I have more popcorn in the microwave…