Fish Who Float Sideways

Living in Sin

So I called my grandmother yesterday, which is a rare occurance.  She doesn’t talk about me much to the other relatives on account of me living in sin with my boyfriend of almost 6 years.  (My family’s attempt to thwart this life plan of mine 4 years ago: arranging a group dinner with my boyfriend, both sets of my grandparents and my Catholic priest - of course it backfired horribly when the priest decided at the end of dinner that my boyfriend was in fact charming and intelligent.)

But anyway, I called my grandmother yesterday to thank her for the diamond necklace she sent over to me, which was supposed to be part of my inheritance after she dies, but she’s into this phase now where she likes to constantly remind the family that she could potentially keel over at any minute and that we should all feel incredibly guilty for doing whatever it is that we do to piss her off.  Frankly, I’m of the opinion that she’s got a sour enough personality to outlive us all.

So I thank her for the “I’m going to die soon” present, and she proceeds to ask me about my life and what I’ve been up to, even though she’s not really paying attention.  I tell her that I’ve been spending a lot of time studying with a friend for the GMAT, which I plan to take this fall.  Upon hearing this news, she goes, “Well now would this be a MALE friend?  Because I imagine if so that there’s not really much studying going on.”

So in short, my cranky old Protestant grandmother not only thinks I’m going to hell for living in mortal sin with my serious, long-term boyfriend, but also that I’m whoring it up during the week using the ruse of “studying” to cover up for my evil deeds.

If she weren’t so unpleasant to be around, I’d really suggest that she have her own TV show.  You can’t make this shit up.