June 2011
2 posts
April 2011
27 posts
June 2010
2 posts
Open Letter to the Random Cold Caller Who Keeps...
Dear Random Cold Caller Who Keeps Bugging Me at Work,
While you seem to have a very pleasant phone manner and your voicemail messages are always cordial, I will never, ever, call you back. I do apologize for my immediate dismissal, as I understand that you have a business to run, and as they say, you do whatcha gotta do. Therefore, I would like to impart upon you several pieces of...
April 2010
3 posts
Coming Soon to a Comic Con Near You
JewelryJune: I've realized I'm a total jewelry slut. I can't get enough and I'm completely disloyal.
HandbagHelen: I'm a bit of a handbag slut, so it's ok.
JewelryJune: We are the whores of Gotham.
HandbagHelen: da dada DA! We should have our own comic.
JewelryJune: as long as there's lots of sex in
i sound british on gchat
HandbagHelen: hahaha
JewelryJune: it's because I hit send before I'm finished typing the sentence
HandbagHelen: jumped the gun, so to speak?
JewelryJune: premature gchatulation
It's a Fish Eat Fish World...
So I know, I know, I said that this blog would actually have nothing to do with fish. And that was mostly not a lie. Except for today. So I recently had a friend of mine gut a retro television set and turn it into a freshwater aquarium for me, which is insanely awesome, in my opinion. And I did research before I got fish - I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just throwing in a bunch of fish...
March 2010
1 post
February 2010
1 post
October 2009
3 posts
The MIT Blunder
Just got an apology email from MIT about a small glitch in their latest mass email. Like I have any confidence in their technical skills now. Way to blow it, MIT. See below for the embarrassing details.
Dear Krystal:
Yesterday, you received an email from us that was sent with a technical glitch that included coding instead of your name in the salutation. We sincerely regret the error and hope...
“Biweekly is a stupid word that causes way too much confusion.”
August 2009
2 posts
Philosophical Riddles
Friend: hey, are you going to ben's thing?
Me: yes. you?
Friend: does a bear shit in the woods?
Me: is that a trick question? like what if I'm not there to see it shit?
Friend: it's like the tree that falls in the forrest. it's pretty deep. but on a more shallow level, yes, i'll be there. and you will be there to see me, so there's no doubt about it.
Me: perfect.
Who IS She?!
I pose the question, because over the last several years, I have heard nearly everyone I know in every social circle I associate myself with, in addition to random people on the street, speaking of this mysterious woman. What’s most intriguing is that she is incessantly quoted as saying things that, when taken out of context, always have some sort of thinly veiled sexual connotation.
...
July 2009
6 posts
Awkward Policeman Adventures
me: is it 6:00 yet?
friend: i KNOW!
me: ugh I feel like I've been here for like 10 hours already
me: ok how about now?
friend: yes. leave. go. you are excused.
me: yes!!! I'm gonna go tell my boss that you said it was time to go
friend: they have to let you go. i'm the law
me: yeah. remember that time when I fought you, as the law, but you, being the law, won?
friend: that song was so confusing for me to sing. especially at a policeman's picnic.
me: I'll bet cause you wanted to sing "and I won" ... but you couldn't ... cause the LAW won.
friend: well, i didn't want to be rude to me
me: yeah, I don't know why you keep going to those picnics. it's always really awkward.
friend: yeah...
“No, ShadowShopper.com, I do not win. And you are not desperate for mystery...”
Living in Sin
So I called my grandmother yesterday, which is a rare occurance. She doesn’t talk about me much to the other relatives on account of me living in sin with my boyfriend of almost 6 years. (My family’s attempt to thwart this life plan of mine 4 years ago: arranging a group dinner with my boyfriend, both sets of my grandparents and my Catholic priest - of course it backfired horribly...
The Whimsical Dilemma
Someone drunkenly asked me several weeks ago what my three favorites were. “My three favorite what?” I naturally asked.
“Everything.”
Right. Ok. Not as easy as it sounds. I was on a role when I pretty quickly named one of my favorite things as whimsy. Except then I realized soon after that almost everything else I liked, I liked because of its whimsical elements. ...
Why You Shouldn't Eat Mac and Cheese Right Before...
Had a dream last night that I somehow acquired several galapagos tortoises as pets, except they were tiny and bright green and ate nothing but unsalted peanuts (which is a good thing, since in my dream this was the only thing I had in my kitchen cabinet). I think I was planning to train them as ninjas…
May 2009
8 posts
“I wonder sometimes why all of my celebrity look-a-like photo results are all...”
Literary Musings
1) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character. Well one time I was 6 and I had a dream that I was walking across this bridge and all these monsters were trying to get me, and so I ran across the bridge and had to go through one of these two caves, and one had clowns and fun things and one was all dark, and I picked the wrong one, and went down into this really...
Murphy's Law
Here’s one for the books. I stop at a pizza place to grab some delicious pizza (very counter-productive for my fake diet, I know), with the intention of stopping home, eating my pizza, watching some TV and then going out to meet a friend for a beer in the neighborhood. This plan completely goes to shit when I arrive at my front door only to discover that I had left my keys on my kitchen...